The greatest thing about the Kristi Noem kerfuffle is that it’s a 100% self-inflicted (and politically grievous) wound. She has dramatically proven herself worthy of inclusion in Greene’s and Boebert’s Female Political Morons club. Nicely played.
In case you missed it, the South Dakota governor just dropped a new book, the succinctly titled No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward. Big whoop, right? Books like this by politicians like this invariably come and quickly go, unnoticed.
Unless, that is, the book includes its author’s boasting about having shot her 14-month-old perfectly healthy dog to death.
Noem’s story goes like this. She had gotten the dog, Cricket, an “aggressive” female wire-haired pointer, to use as a pheasant hunting dog. Sadly, Cricket was not cut out for hunting, and went “out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life.”
On the way home, Noem stopped to talk to a local family. The dog escaped from her truck and immediately went after the family’s chickens, “one chicken at a time, crunching it to death with one bite, then dropping it to attack another.” Cricket, Noem writes, acted like “a trained assassin.”
The family, unsurprisingly, was displeased with this development, so Noem gave them money and helped them dispose of their dead chickens, as Cricket looked on, “the picture of pure joy.” This was the moment Noem “realized I had to put her down.” She went home, got her gun, led Cricket to a gravel pit, and executed her.
“It was not a pleasant job, but it had to be done. And after it was over, I realized another unpleasant job needed to be done.” The family owned this “nasty and mean … disgusting, musky, rancid” goat, and while she was in a murdering mood, Noem killed him too. Then her kids came home from school and her daughter asked, “Where’s Cricket?”
Why would Noem tell anyone this story, let alone everyone? Well, she wanted people to know how ready she is to do any of those “difficult, messy, and ugly” jobs that need doing. People who have lots of difficult, messy, and ugly jobs that need doing. People like Donald Trump. (I hear you saying it and you’re right, “There are no people on the planet like Donald Trump.”)
Maybe this is something she masterminded as a way to get Trump to pick her as his VP. The way to a man’s heart when he has no heart is hatred of dogs. In fact, she has probably eliminated herself from consideration, no matter how much Trump would love to fuck her, since most non-MAGAts don’t think of killing one’s pets as a positive.
The first thing we think of when we hear Mitt Romney’s name is that he drove 12 hours with his dog in a cage on top of his car. There’s even a Wikipedia page about it. Whatever else she does during the rest of her life, Kristi Noem will always be, first and foremost, the dog killer.
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